Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize