My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
