He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
