i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
