Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
