I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
