hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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