I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
