You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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