I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
