She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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