But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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