the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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