I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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