Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
