FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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