he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
