I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
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I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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