I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
