Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
