My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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