do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
