tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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