At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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