I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
