You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
