Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
