can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Terrible idea I love it
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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