2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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