A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
