and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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