I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
