He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
