Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
