I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
