I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
