I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
