Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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