Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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