He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have aggressive nipples.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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