you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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