wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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