Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
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You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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