I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
