You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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