John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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