I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
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P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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