i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
