What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I checked into jail on foursquare
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
