You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
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Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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