so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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