We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
