Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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