I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?