the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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