it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
