Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
