At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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